The Dog who Saved Redwall
by Kai the Mad
Summary: Kai, a dog who may or may not be insane, and the hero chosen by Martin himself must save Redwall and the army of Cluny the Scourge. From what? I'm sure you know what it is. COUGHCOUGHMARYSUESCOUGHCOUGH! The cheesey humor warning here is sharp...cheddar!
1. The chapter formally known a 1st

Kai Bearslayer had been trekking down the sun-parched path for almost a whole thirty minutes when her complaints became louder and more frequent, even though she was entirely alone to the few woodlanders and vermin who caught glimpse of her. She wasn't very hard to spot anyways, since there were no known Alsatian dogs in all Mossflower country. Actually, there were no dogs in Mossflower, the only one that existed was only briefly mentioned during a rather long line of dialogue and never made a bodily appearance. In his or her honor, and maybe because her fursona is a dog, Kai was created, okay edited slightly so she would fit into the Redwall-iverse, by her author who also goes by Kai, to have a canine character that wasn't a wolf. The Author; we'll just call her that to not get her confused with the star of our tale, doesn't like wolves very much even though they were the main characters for some of her original works and her art.

The Author stopped liking wolves after one fateful day on deviantArt whenhdaohof...

**Content lost due to consistent rambling that matters very little to the story.**

...and that is why you should never eat plain ricotta cheese. Anyways Kai the star of our tale stared blankly at The Author before coming to a complete, albeit sudden and painful halt, her face nearly pushed flat into a giant red wall. The Author laughed at her own pun, you see, because it's Redwall Abbey, and she called it a red... wall. Okay, fine! Don't laugh. Geez, everyone's a critic. The Author folded her arms and pouted for a second, then unfolded them to continue.

Asterisks and ampersands flew from Kai's mouth. No literally, the symbols that come up when you hit Shift and press the top row of numbers on a keyboard erupted from Kai's mouth. She coughed up the last few asterisks, which had clumped together in her gullet when she said the words that needed them. Bear in mind that this will happen whenever someone says something vulgar, the worse the word, the more 'HIT SHIFT, SLAM NUMBERS' symbols will spew forth from their mouths like a bulimic after an all you can eat special. Wow, that was a terrible comparison.

Kai made a sour face and hung her tongue out, trying to get the taste of the number symbol that had forced its way up after the cluster of asterisks was gone. Kai looked up, and asked herself a question that made even the toughest, most savage brute shudder in fear when she dare speak it. "Who put this brick wall here?" The sound of her voice ringing out over the wall she collided with had caught the attention of a rather confused squirrel. The squirrel, who The Author decided to name Chucky for good measure, cupped his handpaws over his mouth. "This 'brick wall' was put here by a heroic mouse known as Martin the Warrior after the fall of an evil wildcat's empire! Also, welcome to Redwall Abbey! My name is Chucky, but you probably already knew that because you and The Author are pretty much the same person. D'you want me to let you in?" Kai called back to Chucky, who she had already begun to be annoyed by. "Yeah, I'd like that! I've been holding it in for about a half an hour and it already feels like my kidneys are going to force themselves out of my body and run away!" Chucky stared for a moment, perplexed by both Kai's comment and appearance, being like most, if not all Redwallers and never having seen a dog before. The squirrel shrugged and ran to the gatehouse. What's the worst this seemingly mentally stable visitor can do?

After a much needed bathroom break and washing, Kai had met with Father Abbot Mortimer and Badgermum Constance, telling them about herself much to Constance's dismay, the badger knew she wasn't going to like the dog. Kai had come from a far-off land The Author was to lazy to name where her father had ruled with a gentle yet iron fist. The title 'Bearslayer' had originated from the first king of the land, Antonio, who had battled the bear who claimed the land as his own. Armed with only a crossbow and a long dagger, the dog King had successfully managed to kill the bear and immediately started the construction of his kingdom. Every so many seasons a bear would be captured for sport, where it would be chased down and eventually killed by those who could afford it, including the current ruler's children. Kai, being the only child of King Johannes, was chosen. Like the King Antonio, Kai and the other contestants were given a suit of armor and a helmet to protect themselves from the bear, and a crossbow and dagger. Being a bit foolish, and by 'a bit', The Author meant that Kai was really REALLY stupid, Kai decided that a helmet wasn't necessary and refused to wear it. During the competition, Kai had the bear cornered and was ready to end it, her crossbow and its bolt poised for the kill. Then, like a flash of lightning, the wounded bear struck, knocking the side of Kai's head with its massive paw. Had the bear not of been in a weakened state and its claws not sawed off, Kai would've been killed.

She had been unconscious for a while, when she came to she was greeted by two strangers who soon came to be her best friends.

"Strangers?" The badgermum had poured another cup of tea for the Alsatian, who sucked it down heartily. "Ah... That's the stuff," Kai sighed as she held the cup above her nose. Constance eyed the Abbot a few times, the old mouse patted her handpaw caringly. "Oh! I almost forgot to introduce you." Kai nearly knocked the chair over when she stood. Running over to one area of the room The Author referred to as the Tapestry room as the tapestry of Martin the Warrior hung in there. Kai wrapped her arm around what was nothing to Constance and Father Abbot, but was the largely muscular torso of a white and silver husky looking dog to her. "This is Hermes, he looks rather big and scary, but he's a real softy." To Kai, it looked like Hermes was kneeling to allow her into the knapsack he wore, Kai reached in, shuffled a bit and with a triumphant 'Aha!' She saw she held a very small puffy looking dog, a Pomeranian, and held her in her arms like a babe. "And this here is Mindy. She's like Hermes over there, but the exact opposite. She's a lot stronger than she looks!" Kai laughed warmly and she playfully pushed Mindy's nose. Constance leaned into Father Abbot's ear when Kai had turned around . "Father, I don't mean to speak ill of a guest but... I don't like this act she's pulling." Abbot Mortimer nodded, his old wrinkled face was stuck in a perplexed expression. But mostly this scared the Hellgates out of the both of them. Kai dismissed her 'companions' and sat back down. The Abbot cleared his throat to break the awkward silence that was overcoming the room. "Well... Tell me, my child, what is your reason for being here at our Abbey."

"I'm here to warn you of an upcoming attack."

"WHAT?" Abbot Mortimer and Constance shouted in unison, and where nearly synchronized when they rocketed out of their chairs. Even the abbey beasts who were eavesdropping on the conversation had announced their surprise. For the sake of humor, The Author even had Martin's picture on the Tapestry sputter.

"What kind of army? Who is it? Where are they coming from?" The questions came out at a mile a minute. Kai tried to explain, but the shock of a possible attack was overwhelming. "It's hard to explain, but I'll try as best as I can to do so." She poured herself another cup of tea and waited for the two to recompose themselves. They apologized immensely. "No no, I'm sorry for mentioning it. Y'see," Kai set her cup on the table and leaned over it so her elbows wear flat against the wood surface. "This isn't a normal army, per say. It isn't one with beasts but... something so sinister, not even Vulpuz himself would let them into Hellgates when they arrived." Kai's voice was a haunting whisper. The Abbot and Badgermum leaned in closer to listen as she spoke. "And what are these beasts you speak of?" Kai looked into both of their faces, once a picture of fear was replaced with a childlike curiosity.

Then Kai answered.

Somewhere miles away, two rats and a weasel sat around a bonfire watching a pot of something that looked rotten but didn't smell it simmer over the flames. The weasel sighed heavily and lay on the grass, looking up at the sky and making pictures out of clouds that passed by. He lifted a handpaw and pointed. "That 'un looks like a frog." One rat, a dull red in fur color and even had a redish tint on his teeth, scrunched his nose as he looked over at the other rat, who was blissfully staring into the pot and licking his lips, giggling like the idiot he was. The red rat rolled his eyes and stood up to go do something stupid, like make a toothpick launcher or go to a Moss-Mart and bum around, maybe play some Moss-Mart bingo while he was there. He was only three and seven-eighths steps in when a ridiculously gigantic rat stormed out of his tent, he roared at the rat, who had given up on his adventure in Moss-Mart. The gigantic rat's voice was middle-pitched but it had a Spanish sounding accent to it so it didn't matter. The Author reread the previous statement and scratched her head before announcing that it had nothing to do with anything ever except to describe his voice. Anyways, back to the story.

The giant rat roared. "Who stole my eye-patch?" If the reader couldn't tell that this rat was Cluny the Scourge, then they either didn't read the original Redwall or weren't paying very much attention to the previous sentences. Cluny was in one of those 'don't mess with me or your insidey parts will become outsidey parts' kind of moods to no beasts' shock or surprise. Especially today, which was like any typical Tuesday, only Cluny was missing something that red rat, who is Redtooth by the way, just couldn't put his finger on. He stared at his fuming chief and examined the large battle-scarred rat's features. Then it hit him! Redtooth stood up and puffed his chest out proudly. "Err... uhh," He paused, Cluny turned his head slowly to acknowledge his horde beast. Redtooth blinked before choosing the right words to avoid having his weak point hit for massive damage. "...Nice haircut? Oooffff!" Like a football player trying to make a field goal, the Scourge ran over and punted Redtooth, who went flying head over tail over the woods, into the sky, and then finally into orbit. The Author hoped Redtooth wouldn't suffocate while he was up there, or land on something hard when; by which The Author meant if, he started falling.

If this were a cartoon, Cluny would have steam shooting from his ears, but since it's not a cartoon it would be impossible to see and understand, but The Author was pretty sure that the readers would get the fact that somebeast wasn't a very happy camper. He stormed over towards the daydreaming weasel, Killconey, and snarled. Cluny's voice was a threatening whisper and he spoke as if each word was a sentence. "Where. Is. My. Eye-patch?" Killconey gulped, he had never seen Cluny so angry before nor had he seen what he looked like without his eyepatch, which was like looking at someone who always wore glasses take them off; weird but you'd still be able to recognize them out of a police line up if they were in police custody. This was no exception for the Scourge, who's eye had been taken by a pike who must've had a death wish, after it took the eye Cluny quickly retaliated by beating it to death with a metal pole and his notoriously long tail. Cluny was preparing to throw the terrified weasel on the ground to go interrogate the rest of his five-hundred or so hordebeasts when he felt a paw tap his broad shoulder. The rat turned and before he could say anything the beast who had gotten his attention had handed him a large black strip of cloth, which Cluny immediately recognized as his eye-patch and plucked it from the beast's handpaw, hiding the jubilation behind a disgruntled mask. "Thanks, I don't think I've-" He stopped as he was halfway through tying the cloth around his head when he saw the face of the beast, who was obviously a female, who had returned it to him. She was a rat with features unmatched by even the most beautiful sunrise and sunset and Aphrodite if they had a baby together, her eyes were literally the size of grapefruits and were the colors of a double rainbow after a light rain in the month of February and her eyelashes looked like they could slice open a cantaloupe. Her fur was a brilliant golden-yellow, the same color as the sun as it was in the sky on nine forty-five and twelve seconds on a Thursday morning during the summer solstice and it had the same blinding effect as wearing a blindfold for a month, then going to the beach and having someone point your face at were the sun is and then suddenly undoing that blindfold while forcing your eyes open to stare at both the giant ball of fire in the sky and then parade you around the beach, which was actually a nude beach for seniors and you spot your wrinkly old grandpa emerge from the briny ocean water and strut around like he was a male model. If that didn't leave a disturbing mental image, The Author had failed in her attempt to leave a disturbing mental image. Cluny stared at the female rat for a second, his good eye bouncing to and fro at the faces of his horde, all the rats were either so awestruck they forgot how to blink and their eyes shriveled up like raisins or had decided to use her sun-like glow to burn ants with a magnifying glass. He suddenly regretted kicking Redtooth into the atmosphere for some reason. Then the female rat spoke, her voice was so soft that it put the stuff inside the teddy-bear Cluny hid under his pillow to shame.

"My name is Roseyanna Lilytail Prettyface Lovelyblossom, and I love you Cluny." Roseyanna grabbed the Scourge by his ears and forced him into a kiss that he didn't want. The kiss lasted for almost a minute, when Cluny was free from her grip he did the most rational thing he could possibly do in that situation: scream like a little pansy girl and run away crying for his mamma. "Wait!" Roseyanna called out, her eyelashes batting sweetly and diamonds fell from her eyes as if they were tears. Oh wait, they were tears. "We only want to love you!" She wept as an entire army of beasts similar to her emerged from everywhere at once, running over to horde beasts, telling them their names, and forcing them into kisses.

"My name is Glitzy Glamourous Lovelyhair Daffodilsword, and I love you Fangburn."

"My name is Selene Immasopretty, and I love you Cheesethief."

The Author assumed it was time to continue with the story, so she did. As if on cue, each horde beast turned tail and fled, following their chief through the thicket and woods of Mossflower country, also screaming. Cluny was a good few yards ahead of his horde, this was the first time he had ever run away from something and it stung that he was running away from a bunch of blindingly beautiful females who could be of use, if you know what he was implying. Then it hit him as though he had smashed his face into a very out of place horse and cart. Upon realization, it was discovered that Cluny had in fact plowed himself square on the back of a horse-drawn cart. Without hesitation, he climbed in, the rest of his horde had just caught up and were starting to hop aboard. Once he was certain every one of them was accounted for, he whipped the horse's rump with his tail. The horse was at first annoyed, rolling his eyes at the feeling. That was until he turned his head and noticed a bright neon pink and green My Little Pony-esque mare standing next to him. She whinnied, the reflection of the light on her teeth got into his eyes. He reared up and darted, not because he was spooked, but because he knew what she was, and he even heard the sounds of others like her not too far behind. In a mindless frenzy, the horse ran. He ran from the beasts so foul, the beasts so unspeakably evil, the beasts so... perfect in every way possible.

Yes, folks. The horse and army were escaping the cold and unforgiving handpaws of the Mary-Sue.


	2. Food, plot, and singing

Like almost every single Redwall book, there was a extravagant feast. So extravagant The Author could barely explain, unless you count the loud slurps, sighs, and occasional belch as explanation, which was how it was going to be explained.

Kai's eyes widened as her sensitive nose caught the smell of everything being prepared in the kitchen by Friar Hugo and what was set on the long wooden tables the abbey beasts and visitors were sitting at them. A select few Dibbuns were to busy talking to their newest and most unusual guest. A squirrel babe, a little maid in a light blue frock and a matching bow in her headfur, was the most fascinated though it was hard to tell. All the Dibbuns were pretty much all curious about Kai, and Kai was trying so hard to keep her patience in check. "Mizz Koai, wot's it loik bein' a goiant beast?" A mole babe asked, sitting himself on the Alsatian's lap while playing with an unmentioned dagger hilt strapped to Kai's large belt. Kai answered with a wide smile on her face, as much as she and The Author adored them, real life Dibbuns we not so much favored. "Well, young'n, it can be really fun, I can help the little beasts like you and your friends reach things from high places, but it's really hard to hide."

"Ya mean like 'ide 'n' seeks?" A little mouse maid interrupted tugging at another unmentioned clothing article, Kai's purple, or violet if you want to get technical, and blue tunic. The mention of hide and seek made the other Dibbuns' faces disappear beneath smiles and the occasional dimples, which made the inner female inside Kai and The Author squee with sheer and utter glee. And with that, the Dibbuns had left Kai to sit at the table by herself for a quick game. Then the sounds of disappointment caught Kai's ears as they were lead back to their caretakers.

"And now," A voice seemed to echo throughout the dining hall, Kai cocked her head in the direction she assumed it came from. "Grayling ala Redwall!" There was a hearty applause which Kai joined in, being grateful for such amazing looking and smelling food. Kai didn't have to wonder if it tasted good, she could just tell. Father Abbot stood in front of where the grayling was placed, folding his handpaws together, he began to say grace.

"Fur and whisker, tooth and claw,

All who enter by our door.

Nuts an herbs, leaves and fruits,

Berries, tubers, plants and roots,

Silver fish whose life we take

Only for a meal to make."

It was followed by an 'Amen' as equally hearty as the applause. Kai felt her tail wag hard enough to cause a sandstorm. Dogs tend to get very excited by the idea of food, even the word food sets them off. Then, the feast had officially began. Kai wasn't a very picky eater, shown by a rather hefty frame, and dug in to anything she scooped on her plate. The otter's favorite Shrimp 'n' Hot Root soup was far too spicy for her to eat without feeling tears spring into her eyes, but it was still good enough for her to have another bowl full. Then another. And another. And another. This continued until there was a good five bowls inside of Kai's belly, she tipped her cordial beaker back and declared herself full. Then the strangest thought passed through her head. 'If the Redwallers have feasts like this all the time, why aren't they as fat as Friar Hugo or as pudgy as I am?' It didn't matter now, Kai was as happy as a dog with a... bone. The Author shrugged, she couldn't think of anything else to compare how happy Kai was other than that phrase that would've deeply offended her. The Alsatian felt a familiar presence sit down next to her, Kai had her eyes shut but she could tell it was squirrel. "Hiya, Chucky."

"And a hello to you too, miss Kai. Say, I couldn't help but over hear the conversation you had with the Abbot and Constance earlier and I have a few questions about these 'sues'," Kai lifted her head. "Go ahead."

"What exactly _is_ a 'sue' anyways, and where do they come from?" Without missing a beat, the Alsatian answered. "The 'Mary-Sue', or as they're called if they are male, the 'Gary-Stu' and 'Marty-Sue', are creatures that are often created by a fanfiction author who took no time to develop this monstrosity's personality and back-story. The often share the same back-story of the author's favorite character and are sometimes paired in an 'intimate' relationship with said character. Apart from a favorite character's back-story, they often lived a miserable existence in the most horrible circumstances possible. Physical, mental, emotional, err... sexual abuse aren't uncommon amongst them. Sues and Stus are also know to be very physically attractive and their features are explained in great and exaggerated detail. Also, they lack debilitating flaws. During a character's development, flaws are needed to dilute the perfections and this can make them more believable. For instance, I am not as pretty or as energetic as I think I am, and I'm crazy as a caffeinated bat. And... Hey!"

Chucky bolted as soon as he heard Kai snap. She glared at the squirrel for a second before speaking through clenched teeth. "You fell asleep while I was talking, didn't you?"

"No, I was just... umm... resting my eyes!" Chucky smiled nervously, Kai squinted until it looked like her eyes were shut. Then acted as if the ordeal never happened. The squirrel looked around a bit before his eyes caught that of a small yet brave looking young mouse. "'ey Matthias!" The mouse's ears perked up, and he walked carefully over toward the two. Kai stared at Matthias with absolutely no awe or fascination because The Author had read the original Redwall twice and watched the cartoon and read the comic, so she and ultimately Kai knew about Matthias and what he probably didn't know was going to happen to him in a short while. "Hello." The mouse said quietly, sitting down and helping himself to some strawberry cordial. "You drinkin' that cordial."

"Well, The Author said that I did, so I assume I am in fact drinking strawberry cordial and not a cup of orphan's tears." A moan of joy came from the Alsatian, she lay halfway at the table and on the floor. "Nothin' better than a glass of orphan tears! Especially with a nice lemon wedge and a slice of warm and delicious carrot-cake."

"Carrot-cake?" Both Chucky and Matthias blurted out, sounding as though they were disgusted by what she said. Kai wrinkled her nose and turned her head to the both of them. "Why d'you both say that? Carrot-cakee is amazi-" Kai never finished her sentence as both squirrel and mouse were now wearing very out of place black tee-shirts with the words 'TEAM CHEESECAKE' and a picture of a slice of the foul thing that dare have the audacity to use the word cake in its name in place of their usual tunic and habit. The dog scoffed. "Huh. I see how this is." Kai stood up quickly and held her head up as she was preparing to leave the dining hall. She walked, nearly stepping on the delicate footpaw of a rather pretty young mousemaid. Kai caught herself before anymore potential damage could be done. Matthias gasped in the background, then stood with his narrow chest puffed out bravely standing with one footpaw on the table and the other... "Oh dear..." Matthias quickly pulled his footpaw from the plate of a now very angry looking hedgehog. His heroic stance was broken by an awkward and toothy smile, this didn't move the hedgehog a bit. Matthias shrugged and ran over to both Kai and mousemaid, calling, "Miss Kai! Miss Cornflower! Are you both alright?" Cornflower spun around and caught Matthias in a sweet gaze. "I'm alright." She said smiling. That was until she saw the Matthias was sweating and drooling, smiling like a peeping tom spying on a vixen after a shower. Cornflower was about to ask him if he felt alright only to be interrupted by him sputtering something that sounded like Martin did when he met with that unimportant mousemaid in the tale she had read last summer. "." A glob of spit hit the floor, and Cornflower backed away. She bumped into Kai's shin, turning and silently praying that she didn't have the same look on her face.

No such luck, and it actually looked like Kai had a creepier expression on hers. The dog spoke in a monotone voice. "I think somebody likes you." Cornflower couldn't help but laugh at her impersonation, now realizing that Kai was only joking. "So you must be Kai? I've never seen a... say, what are you again, if you don't mind me asking?" Cornflower cocked her head to the side as she looked up at royal dog. Kai knelt and extended a handpaw. "I'm an Alsatian dog, miss Cornflower. Pleased to meet you." The mousemaid took hold and shook. "And a pleasure meeting you, as well. I'm taking a good friend and her family back home in a bit. Would you mind if I asked you to come with."  
"That depends, can I hang my head out the side?" Cornflower didn't get the joke. Kai explained briefly that it was a joke/saying in her homeland. She chuckled slightly, but still didn't quite understand.

Constance grunted as she pulled the cart, not that she was a weak badgermum, it was just Kai had decided to sit with the families. To make matters worse, she was singing an annoying song that sounded better being sung by the bards, a group known as Sonata Arcticfox which Kai said was one of her favorite groups, that wrote it. "C'mon now, everyone, I've sung it enough for you to know at least some of the words. And a one, and a two:

_But until we unite  
I live for that night_

_Wait for time_

_Two souls entwine_

In the break of new dawn  
My hope is forlorn  
Shadows they will fade  
But I'm always in the shade

_Without you...__ !"_

Constance gritted her teeth and contemplated running the cart into a tree just to put the passengers out of their misery and to shut Kai up, but that would be considered homicide and that was very much frowned upon. Plus, it would create a pretty awkward time paradox. Kai was ready to sing another verse when the badgermum picked up a hefty rock, turned, and conked the Alsatian over the head which knocked her unconscious instantly. The sounds of the sighs of relief and thanks made Constance smile and she trudged on.

Matthias was sitting next to Cornflower and did one of those yawn things were he stretched and put his arms around her shoulders. She pretended not to notice but was a bit creeped out, after all she did see what he looked like when he was in her presence. Matthias tried so hard to keep from returning to the beast who was drooling on the floor of the dining hall and tried his hardest to be as charming to her as possible. He tried to muster up the courage to ask her how she was when she yawned and leaned into his shoulder. Matthias had to bite his lip to keep from squeeing, then leaned into her head-cloth.

Sleep was overcoming them all save Constance as she was pulling the cart.

Sleep would've stayed with them if the sound of thunderous hooves hadn't woken them. Kai was slowly beginning to regain consciousness, she sat up and rubbed a large lump on her head. "Ughhhh..." She muttered, it felt as though she had been sleeping too long but her head had a familiar ache to it. Her ears pricked up to the sound and out of some strange gut feeling, Kai had offered to investigate. Before Constance could answer, the dog was already gone.

Hey, does anyone remember that one guy who was in the other chapter. Well here he is again!

Cluny was still shaken from the kissing incident but he didn't let any of his horde beasts know about it. He whipped his tail at the exhausted horse, trying to keep it moving in case _they_ were behind them. Cluny hadn't heard the sounds those horrid creatures made in a while, he assumed they had lost them.

As previously stated, the horse started slowing from fatigue until it came to a complete stop, falling over and panting. Inside, Cluny was contemplating running the rest of the way to... where ever they were headed, but the horse was much faster than any of them could ever be. He put on his usual temper and snarled. "You stupid animal!" Cluny stomped, the horse flinched at the sound but still lay there. "Oh Skullface!" Cluny called in a mock sing-song voice, a rat poked his head out from under the haystack. He gulped. "Y-yes chief?" Cluny wrapped his tail around Skullface's torso and pulled, lifting him up to stare his chief in the eye. "Bite that thing! I wanna get away from those things as quickly as possible."

"Er uh... wha?"

"I mean, bite the horse so we can go to... uh..." Cluny looked around to spot anything that could spur an idea. The only thing that stood out was Skullface's red tunic and the wool cap of a stoat who had fallen asleep. Cluny tapped his chin and thought out loud. "Tuniccap, no no, that doesn't sound quite right. Redcap, nah sounds to stupid. Tunicwool, that doesn't make sense. Redwool... Huh, redwool sounds like Redwall. Okay then." The Scourge turned around to address his horde. "Everyone were goin' to Redwall sooooo... yeah. Anyways, Skullface bite Clippety-clop over there so we can go to Redwall." Skullface looked at the horse, then back to Cluny, then back to the horse. "But I-"

"DO YOU WANT ME TO HIT YOU WITH A BRICK?"

"On it, chief!" Skullface hopped onto the horse, but the horse decided he didn't like this and sprung up, taking off once again. Skullface ducked and prayed that if it was going to kill him it would be quick and painless. But fortunes smiled upon Skullface, the cart passed overhead and didn't hurt a single fur on his head. He sighed, until he realized that the cart, his horde, and his leader were too far ahead to catch up. But nothing was going to rain on Skullface's parade, he spun on his heel and with his head held proudly began walking in the other direction, singing in a very obnoxious voice.

"A DUCK WALKED UP TO THE LEMONAIDE STAND

AND HE SAID TO THE RAT RUNNIN' THE STAND

'HEY! GOT ANY GRAPES?'

THE RAT SAID 'NO, WE JUST SELL LEMONAIDE

BUT ITS COLD AND ITS ALL HOMEMADE

WOULD YOU LIKE A GLASS?'

AND THE DUCK SAID, 'I'LL PASS.'

AND HE WADDLED AWAY!"

Skullface would've finished the song if the horde of Sues hadn't tackled him to the ground. He shrieked as he was dragged into the pile, his claws dug into the earth and he plead for his life. His pleads were drowned out by the sound of the Sues screaming and shouting about their angsty and unbelievable pasts. "I was the last survivor in a vicious attack by the woodlanders and I wandered the woods for days when I was found by a guy who pretended to be all nice and stuff , but he was actually a pervert and one day I found him in my laundry and he was so mad he raped me in the eye socket but I bit him my vampire teeth and he died and I ran away and restored my eye-virginity by eating an entire bag of corn-chipsssssss and then I found Killconey and we fell in love and we had lots and lots of you-know-what and I got pregnant and we got married and I had four babies and their names are Princess Pretty Lovely Cutiepie Angelwings Butterflywings, Prince Midnightshadow Sliverpaw Greattail..."

"When I was little, I was beaten by my drunk stoner pedophile father and he sold me as a slave to some guy and he would also beat me until Cluny came out of nowhere and saved me and we got married!"

Skullface had stopped struggling, he knew that even if he did try to resist it would only make it worse. A lonely tear trailed down his dirty face, 'This must be the end,' he thought as more tears bubbled in his eyes, 'If this is how it was gonna end, that horse shoulda done it. At least I would've died with dignity.' He felt a whimper of agony pass his lip, then the thud of a delicate body collapsing on his face. Then a very unfamiliar voice silenced the Sues. "You get off that rat, you filthy animals!" The horde cleared a path for Skullface to catch a glimpse of the beast that may have just saved his life. She was large, both in height and girth, and an odd looking creature, her fur was a dark brown and gray on her ears, the top of her head and her entire back and the top of her tail. She was donned in a purple and blue tunic with a dark blue cloak. In her handpaws was some sort of arrow launching device with another arrow pointed at the Sues. She bared her teeth. "I said, get off that rat!" She barked again, the Sues scattered like cockroaches but returned until the beast launched another arrow into the chest of a rat-sue, she pulled it out before she crumpled in a heap. Dead. One of the Sues screamed. "OH EM GEE, SHE KILLED SELENE IMMASOPRETTY!" The beast turned to the direction of the Sue who had made the comment. "Why yes I did. You wanna be next?" And just like that, the Sues ran off into the woods. Skullface stood up weakly. "Th-thanks, I guess." She patted the bow. "Ahh. Nothin' better than shootin' some Sues with my trusty crossbow. By the way, the name's Kai Bearslayer." Skullface looked up at Kai. "What are you, anyways?"

"Just an Alsatian who hates Sues and want to keep them out of Redwall. Like every other Sueslayer out there." This confused the rat even more than he already was. "What's an Alsatian, and what's a Sueslayer?" Kai chuckled and looked at Skullface as though he had told a joke, if brains could explode from the "WHAT THE HECK?" factor, his would have. "Alsatian is just a fancy was of sayin' I'm a dog, and a Sueslayer is someone who kills those things that attacked you. Poor thing, you had quite a few of them on you. Who are you?" Skullface introduced himself. "Wait," Kai was now infected with a case of the "WHAT THE HECK?". "The Author read the original untainted version of this tale, and you were run over by a horse and cart."

"I was?"

"You were supposed to be. Why are you still alive?"

"I dunno. Must be my lucky day."

"It's nighttime."

"Thank you, captain obvious. Now if you don't mind I'm going to find a local tavern, get wasted, procreate, and then buy a bunch of lottery tickets." Skullface wasn't even a step in when a red rat fell from the sky and landed on Kai's head. She stumbled around a bit until gravity was victorious, dragging her and the rat she was wearing as a hat onto poor Skullface. Before they both landed on him, he held up a sign. And on that sign was a single word:

Yikes!


	3. Nightmares, cereal, and stinky vermin

The Author stared at the white letters on the black keyboard of her laptop. She strained her eyes, moving her glasses so thickly crusted in grime that it appeared that she was holding two thin slices of bread in front of the lenses. It made The Author want to go and ask her mother and father to find some way to get a prescription for a new pair. But that wasn't important at the moment. She was in the worst possible pain any of her kind could feel.

It was the scourge of the writer, the bane of the poet, the unrelenting whip on the back and the mind of the story-teller. It was a fiend by the name of Writer's Block, and The Author was suffering.

It seemed to go on for days, maybe even weeks but The Author couldn't do a thing about it.

She was ready to give up all hope on finding a cure. She lay her head on the sketch book she kept in front of the laptop, pushed aside the colored pencils that accompanied it, folded her arms into her face, and she wept. The Author wept for her tales she had worked so little on, tales she hoped that one day she could publish and become as successful as the authors before her.

It was too late. There was no turning back.

Wiping aside a tear, she pressed the red 'X' at the top right-hand corner .

"Would you like to save 'The Dog who Saved Redwall'?

Yes No Cancel"

She moved the curser over the 'No' option.

And clicked.

Cluny woke with a piercing shriek, the kind of scream that would be classified as 'little girl'. He had nightmares before but... this one was so terrifiying that he had to check his sheets and blankets just in case he peed himself. A sigh of relief passed his lips when he saw they were dry.

"Chief!" A nervous sounding voice rang through the place Cluny was when he crashed on the bed, which was a bed meant for a beast much more vertically impaired, which was the exact opposite of what Cluny was. He replied to the call, his voice still heavy with sleep. "Ah wh...whaddaya want?" Two nervous figures walked in, one trying to hide behind the other as they approached the scourge. They spoke in unison, simply because The Author couldn't remember who was in the original scene. "We found some foodstuffs." They both smiled nervously, Cluny and The Author shared a blank expression. Seriously, who uses the term foodstuffs anymore?

Cluny yawned, his morning breath singed the whiskers off of the two's nose. "I seriously hope you found some Total. God, I'd saw off my left leg for some Total right now..." It was the two horde beasts' turns to have some expression, theirs was that of walking out of your bedroom and then getting tackled by a guy in a Snuggie and having him hit you with the plastic inflatable hammer he won from a carnival game in New Jersey after riding down the street in a shopping cart. "Uhhh...N-no, chief, we couldn't find any Total but-"

"AWWWWWW WHAT?" Cluny interrupted, whining like The Author when she gets up at her usual time of about noon, eating a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios and then having her mother tell her that they were going to lunch. "Man, I was hopin' for some Total. That stuff is sooooo goooooooood."

"I prefer the discount cereal." Said one of the two, who was given the name Charles. "The kind that doesn't even come in a box?" The other, now called Greg. Cluny's eye slitted, and he and Greg replied at almost the same time. "That stuff ain't even that good!"

"I mean, it's not the best cereal out there, but I was raised in a family with a tight budget and we really couldn't afford-"

"Your family couldn't afford to buy the same cereal _with_ a box." Greg questioned. "How much would this 'boxless cereal' cost if it did, in face, have a box?"

"Was the box made of solid gold and encrusted with diamonds? Haha!"

"Y'know what, I don't feel like listening to this." Charles dropped the bag he and Greg were carrying, the contents, which were some leaves, a really dead bird, and a millipede spilled out onto the floor. "...You guys were gonna expect me to eat that? GAH-ROOSS!"

"I'm really sorry chief, but," Greg tried to keep a straight face, but was hard to due to the fact that he was giggling. "Ch-Charles just insisted that we buy bagged cereal!" Both Cluny and Greg fell over laughing until tears rolled down their faces. Charles stormed out in furious haste, only he wasn't angry, but emotionally hurt. If this was a play, Charles would be making his soliloquy, but it wasn't so it looked like he was talking to himself.

"Go ahead, make fun of me. It's not like I don't have feelings or anything. But I swear on my very life that one day when I have a son or daughter of my own, I'll raise them on bagged cereal. I'll make sure that he or she is... proud of that." He stopped to wipe away a tear. "I'll teach them that there's nothing wrong with eating cereal that doesn't come with a box, and they'll raise their children on that, and they'll raise their's."

Charles left the horde that night, his whereabouts are unknown but we assume that he changed his name to Ted and now works as a rodeo clown.

The story continued.

Greg caught his breath a few minutes after the ordeal, before he remembered something he had to tell Cluny. "Oh yeah, while 'bagged cereal' and I were out, we found Redtooth and what we think was Skullface underneath this great, big, weird lookin' thing." Cluny coughed and regained character, and followed Greg outside.

Redtooth lay on the ground holding cold packs to various parts of his body, groaning in pain. The beast who's head he had landed on lay a few feet away, tongue lolled out of its mouth,drooling, and singing bits and pieces of a song none around it had heard before.

Cluny stared at it, walking around the great thing and jabbing it in its belly with his tail. His stomach growled at him, and it hit Cluny that he hadn't eaten since those horrid femme fatales tried to woo him and his horde. "Well, with a beast this size, we'll be eatin' good for a few years!"

"Y'mean seasons, right?" Redtooth weakly lifted a handpaw, then immediately regretted that decision when Cluny made as to kick him back into the atmosphere. "DO NOT CORRECT ME!" He shouted viciously.

The great beast moved a paw and patted the Scourge on his scraggly furred head, it groaned. "Wheres the the off button on you?" The horde that surrounded the giant slow backed away, by this time they could tell it was a female, and it was more than obvious that Cluny wasn't happy about being touched. The great female sat up and yawned, her eyes opened only halfway. She looked around with a blank smile on her face, looking at each of the terrified rat, weasel, stoat, ferret, Tom, Dick, Harry, Jack and Jill. After turning to all of them and realizing she wasn't where she was when a rat fell out of the sky and landed square on her head, she inhaled through her nose, unwillingly taking in the foul scent of each of the horde beasts.

And screamed.

This set off a chain reaction of screaming beast scurrying to and fro, even she took off, lifting an unfortunate ferret and held it in front of her like a living, struggling shield.

This lasted for about ten minutes, it ended when Cluny, who was growing annoyed with the fact that not only were his horde cowering in fear, they were cowering in fear because of a female again. The Scourge stood on the closest thing he could, which was a rather large rock. "ENOUGH!" His voice echoed and successfully silenced all of them, the giant beast set the terrified ferret down and watched sorrily as he scurried away. Cluny was huffing from the outburst, and in what looked like a single motion he was standing with one footpaw on her ankle and looking up, his tail scourge pointed dangerously at her chest. The giant beast laughed nervously and watched as Cluny was preparing to speak again- or shout, she couldn't tell.

"And what in Hell's gates are you?" His voice still had a hint of rage to it, but the female chose not to acknowledge it. She knew Cluny, for she was Kai A. Bearslayer (if it wasn't blatantly obvious for the reader to have at least somewhat of a hunch, and yes, her middle initial is 'A'), and Kai knew what Cluny was capable of. But she shrugged and answered his question. Kai didn't want to rude despite the odd noise that would escape every so often from her body. "I'm a dog." She had a huge grin like that of a drunk beast on her face. Cluny was baffled and he asked once again. "What the-" Kai's eyes widened at the word, even though The Author had used it so many times in life outside of her room but still didn't like the idea of Redwall characters saying such vulgarity, which was odd as she had always imagined the villain characters having potty mouths and knowing words that you would be surprised to know were actually cuss words. Anyway she was losing focus. "-is a 'dog'?" Kai shrugged, "I dunno, I just know that I am one."

"That doesn't help..."

"Eh, 's better than nothing."

"That's true. But I have one more question. Tell me why you killed Skullface and tried to murder Redtooth!"

"Now that sounded more like a demand than a question."

"It was. Now tell me, or I'll have you boiled in a pot of your own juices!" Cluny kept the fearsome mask of a warlord on his face until he felt what he thought was a bucket of drool splater on his head. Wiping the saliva from his good eye, Cluny saw that the dog -whatever a dog was but he didn't care that much about it- was salivating at the idea of food. "Aww that sounds delicious... Speaking of which, I'm starving! Say, does anyone-"

"Don't you mean any beast?" The ferret Kai had used as a meat-shield called out from the audience. She stared blankly at him for a moment, and continued once he dematerialized deeper into the crowd. "Okay fine, does anybeast," She made sure she put more emphasis on the word 'beast'. "Have a box of, like... Total or something?" Cluny, now no longer covered in drool, felt his jaw drop. He remembered that he still hadn't eaten since... The Author assumes you get the idea and broke the past-tense formatting just to do so.

"Ooh, thanks for the reminder, dog." Cluny felt his stomach grumble painfully. Kai, entirely misunderstood the context of how Cluny used the word dog and replied."No problem, home-slice."

"What's a... You know what, never mind. I need food!" He walked away over to a meager bonfire and took his fill of whatever was in the pot that hung over the flame.

Kai felt a bit better, and began talking in the general direction that she thought her friend Hermes was. "Isn't this great? We get to live out in the wilderness with a bunch of stinky vermin and the major villain of this book!" She didn't realize how loud she was talking, and when she opened her eyes to the horde staring dumbly at her, Cluny stood in front of her tapping his footpaw. "Who were you just talking too?" Kai rolled her eyes, Cluny asked too many questions. She laughed, thinking it was a joke and pointed. "How can you guys not see Hermes? He's standing right there." Cluny and his horde turned their heads over to where Kai was pointing, but the only thing they saw was a large oak tree. Cluny scrunched his nose and turned back to her. "You were talking to a tree?"

"A tree? No no no, only crazy beasts talk to trees! I'm talking to the silvery white Husky standing under it." Horde beasts exchange concerned glances with the beasts next to them. Cluny's head hurt, was she trying to joke around? Or was she... Could she possibly be...?

Kai turned back to the tree and laughed heartily, as if this 'Hermes' told an inside joke. "Oh Mindy, you're such a clown. Heeheehee!" Cluny dismissed the throbbing pain in his head as a simple headache and could proudly claim that his brain was trying to claw its way out. He massaged his temples and gritted his teeth. 'Abso-flipping-lutely perfect,' His conscious said in a voice so calm it sent shivers down his spine. 'It seems I have a mad-beast on my paws. Oh well, maybe we could use her as a diversion when I take over the abbey. And that crossbow she's got looks like it could pierce clean through a conga line of armored badgers.' At the thought of the word abbey, Cluny looked around at where he and his horde were dropped off when the horse from the last chapters tried to take flight but suceeded in entirely smashing the hay cart and killing a handful of his soldiers. At least the horse got away safely!

Upon close examination, Cluny could see that it was obviously not Redwall. He had heard that Redwall abbey was a lively place, bustling with activity and that the hallways often smelled of what the abbey dwellers were going to have for dinner. This place was dark and desolate, and the color of the crumbling building which Cluny identified was once a church wasn't even remotely close to any shade of red.

He held his face in his palm, and mentally shouted at himself.

'Welcome to St. Ninian's church, you dolt."


End file.
